Plenty of Grace

Preface: I wrote this whole thing while watching a million episodes of Duck Dynasty and thought in a southern accent the whole time. Keep that in mind while you're reading.

1. Self pity.
2. Anger.
3. Anxiety.
4. Doubt.
5. Jealously.

These are the five things I struggle with the most. They may or may not be in that particular order.

There's a very fine line between recognizing the trial(s) God is walking you through and playing a victim. No doubt, I've fallen into self pity; I've crossed that line. It's so easy to justify feeling sorry for myself. So, I lost my dad. I don't want to devalue this trial. Like I've said before: because of this, I've never walked with the Lord this intimately or understood His love greater. It's a hard thing. So many changes have come from this. Changes I didn't ask for. Changes beyond my control. And now, I get the opportunity to trust the Lord to use my dad's death and these crappy changes for really great things. I apologize that I've given into self pity. It's not a pretty thing.

I do not handle change gracefully. Good thing God has plenty of grace.

Anger has been a struggle of mine for a long time. Long before my dad died. Last night at church, Pastor Dan shared something about anger: people either freak out or leak out. And I'm a leaker. I will become bitter.

Thankfully, a woman I greatly admire from Walnut Creek shared this doozy with me: "When my soul was embittered, when I was pricked in heart, I was brutish and ignorant; I was like a beast toward you. Nevertheless, I am continually with you; you hold my right hand." (Psalm 73:21-23) This is a great example of taking your anger to our Heavenly Father. We can be "beasts" toward him and He is continually with us. God doesn't mind our anger. I would even venture to say He loves and desires to hear from His children, to hear how we're feeling.

You better believe I've taken my anger to the Lord and was a "beast" toward Him. He's not scared of it. He's not taken aback and surprised by my reactions. At the same time, I'm not perfect. Oh boy, would I love to tell you I've only ever gone before the Lord with my anger. The people I'm closest to can attest to me showing my anger toward them. Again, I'm not perfect. There is sanctification (the process of being made holy), which is a life-long thing. Definitely not over night (or a few months).

Anxiety is something I'm no stranger to. I used to have this thing about washing my hands twice because I couldn't accept that once was enough. Maybe that's obsessive compulsive. But that can be a part of an anxiety disorder (which I used to have). When I became a Christian, that anxiety went away. However, lately I've been having trouble accepting that washing my hands once is enough. I wash them two times, every time now. My hands are very dry.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God." Philippians 4:6 The cure for anxiety? Prayer. This is something that God is growing me in. And as I grow in my prayer life, I can rest assured that God will calm my restless heart.

I really wanted to be that woman who went through a trial and never doubted the goodness of the Lord. "Boy, that Alex, she went through something difficult, and she never wavered in her faith." This has not been the case. Why would God allow this to happen? A good God. Because He really does work all things together for good (Romans 8:28). The good things may not happen right away. Good things have happened as a result of this. I know my aunt and uncle far better than I did before, and I feel like we have a better relationship. I've grown up.

"Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us." Romans 5:3-5

For a while, I would get irritated if someone with a dad would talk to me. Which is everyone. When they would talk, all I could think of was this: "Why do you get to keep your dad?" I remember a month or two ago listening to a sermon in my car. Good old Mark Darling was talking about his father-in-law dying at the age of 67. My first thought: "Why the heck did you have 14 years longer with him than I did?! My dad died at 53!"

Then, I'm kindly reminded by God of what I do have. I have a wonderful mother, who is stronger than she knows and is always there for me. I have a crazy loving church family that is such an honor to be a part of. I have a roof over my head and food for every meal.

More than that, I have a relationship with Jesus Christ, which makes me eternally rich. This doesn't mean my life is a walk in the park (obviously). But I can rest assured that when I die, I will go to Heaven. This isn't because of the amazing things I do. It's not because I go to church, pray, read the Bible, etc. It's because of the amazing thing God did when He sent His only Son to live a perfect, sinless life and die a brutal death on the cross. He took my sins (and yours) upon His shoulders. Because I've sinned, I should have a fine to pay. But Jesus stepped in and paid that fine. "For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord," (Romans 6:23). A gift. When someone hands you a gift, for it to be yours, what do you need to do? Accept it. Have you accepted Jesus' gift of salvation? "because, if you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. For with the heart one believes and is justified, and with the mouth one confesses and is saved," (Romans 10:9-10). If you were to die tonight, how certain are you that you'd go to Heaven and why? Something to think about. Questions? Ask me.