Whatever Is True

I don't know about you, but I'm feeling... not 22.

You know when you're birthday is a couple days away, you just start considering yourself the next age? Well, this is the first year where I held onto 25 as long as I could. I woke up on Monday morning (the 26th anniversary of my birth) thinking, "Nope. Still 25. And I'm still 25 until about 2:30pm."

If someone would have asked me where I'd be at the age of 26, where I'm at now would be no where near my answer. "Oh, I'd be married with kids or working my dream job!" I never imagined being 26, still single, still dealing with the death of my dad, and living with my mom. Not that singleness is bad or living with my mom is bad. It's just not what I had in store for my life.

26 brought on so many anxieties that I wasn't prepared for.
Hello, quarter-life crisis!

• What am I doing with my life?!
• Will I ever get married?!
• Am I at the right job?!

Loaded stuff, right?
A verse I've been memorizing is Philippians 4:8-9: "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me- practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you."

I've had to learn to take certain thoughts captive and replace them with "whatever is true," of my life. And what is true of my life?

• My life is guided by an all-knowing, gracious, perfect, God. He knows where I need to go and the timing of it all.
• I know and am loved by the creator of all things. He gives good gifts to His children and knows when to give the gifts. "For while we were still weak, at the right time, Christ died for the ungodly." [Romans 5:6] So, if God knows the right time to send His Son, the Savior of the world, to die for their sins, that they could spend an eternity with Him in Heaven and be freed from their sinful captivity, He probably knows when I should get a new job. Or when I should get married.

So how can I think about "whatever is true," when it comes to my dad?

• I got to spend 24 years with him. Which is more than some people can say.
• My dad knew Jesus as his Savior. I can rest assured that he is in Heaven, and not suffering for eternity in hell. He has seen his Maker face-to-face and his tears have been wiped away. He knows no pain and death is just a memory.

Are you certain that when you die you would go to Heaven? Why are you (un)sure? If you look at the 10 commandments and measured your life by them, would you pass? Have you ever lied? Dishonored your parents? Stolen? James 2:10 says, "For whoever keeps the whole law but fails in one point has become accountable for all of it." If you have fallen short just once, you've broken them all.
But we all fall short. All of us have lied, dishonored parents, etc. Romans 6:23-- "For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord." Where is eternal life found? In Jesus.
You've heard it before: "For God so loved the world that He gave His only Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish by have eternal life." [Name that verse!] Why did Jesus come to this earth? If it's not to save this fallen, sinful world from their sin and an eternity in hell, I don't know what the answer is. This verse makes it clear.

Questions? Want to talk? Let me know :) I'd love to chat.

Snow and Trials

"WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN, ALEX??!!"

Friends, if you know me well, you know that I am not great at keeping a blog. To all those who have waited months and months for a new post: today is you're most lucky and blessed day! And you're welcome.

A friend of mine posted on Facebook asking people about their blogs, and that's when I realized I hadn't updated in a long time. Then I started wondering, "Is there a need to blog? Why should I start it up again?" I decided I would (try to) start it again because I experience the crazy love of God every day and He is worthy of being praised and being given all of the credit and glory.

I don't know how much of it will tie in with the experience of losing my dad. The story I'm going to share here does. Some days will. I'll try to make fit in because that was the purpose of starting this blog.

Many of you know of my (annoying) love for snow. It's beautiful. The land is covered in a white blanket of frozen water. It's fun. There's something magical about it. And when I see snow, I'm reminded that God knows me, loves me, and has not forgotten or abandoned me.

And it never fails: when I'm having a not great day, I see snow. This is not to say I do not have bad days in the summertime... In summer, replace snow with the smell of fresh-cut-grass and that's my reminder that God knows me.
The morning my dad passed away, I was standing at the front door, and I watched the rain turn very quickly to this big, fluffy, white snow. And then the phone rang-- the call that informed us my dad had taken his last breath.

The day before my dad died, my cousin Zannie gave me a ring that says "faith" on it. I wear it every day. It's the only piece of jewelry I own that has any meaning. It is one of few material possessions that have value to me. This morning, it broke (as did the zipper on my purse just an hour before that). And in the midst of many students, I started crying. It was not a good morning.

I walked by the side doors of the school and saw big, fluffy, dancing snow. Again, I was reminded that God loves me and cares about my trials- bigger trials, like losing a parent, and smaller ones, like losing a ring.

What trials are you going through? No matter how big or how small, God really cares about them. Why? Because He's your dad.

Are you aware of how God shows His great love for you in every day life? You should be. It's a beautiful thing.

pulling the rug

Welcome to the busiest month of my life. I'm taking a bit of time during Mission to the City (a 5 day mission trip to Des Moines Walnut Creek Downtown does every May) to write this post.

You know that feeling when it seems like a rug has been pulled out from under you? That's how I've felt the past week. When that happens, your footing is lost, there's a sense of being unbalanced, and hoping the things around you don't fall over, as well.

For me, that rug was the shock that came after losing my dad. And then this last week, that shock suddenly went away. I've learned that the shock (for me) was protection. It protected me from emotions I would eventually have to face. It gave me a place to sweep emotions I wasn't ready to process. I thought, at some point, together, God and I would roll up that rug and we would slowly deal with everything that was underneath.

But, alas, this was not the case. I guess God thought the best way to handle this was to just yank the rug out from underneath me. What happened? I lost my footing. Things started to fall over. I was left with a bunch of emotions and now I have to pick up those things that fell over. Including myself.

I'm left with an overwhelming amount of sadness, anger, bitterness, and jealousy. And I have to face it all. I have to sit down and sort through everything. When it comes to my thoughts and emotions, I need to compartmentalize.

This is when it's important for me to remember the goodness of that week my dad died.

"I will remember the deeds of the Lord; yes, I will remember your wonders of old. I will ponder all your work, and meditate on your mighty deeds. Your way, O God, is holy. What god is great like our God? You are the God who works wonders; you have made known your might among the peoples. You with your arm redeemed your people, the children of Jacob and Joseph."
-Psalm 77:11-15

A Reason to Sing

Tomorrow will be the 5 month mark.
There are so many things I still struggle with.

Memories of that whole week, more particularly, the day my dad died, take over my mind, unannounced and uninvited. They seep inside like they own me. It is beyond me to take these thoughts captive. But, are these thoughts God wants me to control? Is there a reason God wants me to remember these things every day for 5 months?

Every day for 5 months, I have flashbacks, unwanted flashbacks. The phone call from my mom on Monday December 3rd at 5:32 am. That Wednesday, standing in the middle of the Mercy Hospital parking lot at 6am crying and my mom hugging me, "you're too young to go through this." Saturday night, going a bit more insane, waiting for the inevitable. Sunday morning, December 9th, walking into his room with my mom, aunt, uncle, and Kristen, to see my dad for the last time.

When the pieces seem too shattered
to gather off the floor
and all that seems to matter
is I can't feel You anymore
is I can't feel You anymore

I need a reason to sing
I need a reason to sing
I need to know that You're still holding
the whole world in Your hands
and I need a reason to sing

This may sound weird. And don't think I'm creepy. But there's something about that week that I miss. It was the last week of his life, and I got to spend the entire time holding his hand. I spent the whole week with my mom, my aunt and uncle, and I experienced the love of God and His church in ways that I never could have imagined.

I miss my dad. I've been through a whole lot these last 5 months, and I want to tell him about it. I want to share with him everything that has happened. But I can't.

Someday, though, I'll see him again. "Then we who are alive, who are left, will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air, so we will always be with the Lord." 1 Thessalonians 4:17

My dad knew Jesus as his Savior. That's the only way I know for certain I will see him again.

It's been a rough, beautiful road, these last 5 months. I've never had to trust the Lord more that He knows what He's doing. I sure don't know what I'm doing or how to handle life. Great is His faithfulness! He's got this.

Will there be a victory?
Will You sing it over me now?
Your peace is a melody
Will You sing it over me now?

'Cause I need a reason to sing
I need a reason to sing
I need to know that You're still holding
the whole world in Your hands
and that is a reason to sing
(Reason to Sing::All Sons and Daughters)

the most morbid post i'll ever write (hopefully)

I'm sure I have many faithful readers, so I apologize to those who have been sitting on the edge of their seat, waiting with great anticipation for a new blog. Just kidding. Calm down.

Between two jobs, moving from my apartment to my mom's house, and being the social butterfly that I am, finding time to blog hasn't been too high on my priority list lately. But I've been thinking about it for about a week. So, that should count for something (even though it really doesn't).

Do you know what I think about every day? Every. Single. Day?
Death.
Yep. In a hundred years, you, reading this blog post, you're going to be dead.
Morbid? Yes. Sorry. 
True? Absolutely.

It's inevitable. There's no getting out of it.

So what does this life matter? What's the point?
To be happy and comfortable? That's dumb. That gives no purpose to this earth. Because really, how many people are always happy and comfortable?

Is your purpose on this earth to start a wonderful family with the man/woman of your dreams? Oh, that's a lovely thing, a beautiful thing, actually. But that family you have, they're going to die, too.

Is our purpose to worship music. That's what I hear a lot. I hear a lot about the importance of music and people really do worship it, sadly. Don't get me wrong, music is a wonderful thing! I highly enjoy it. God created it. But is that your purpose in life? To create/listen to/know great music? That's weird. You won't take that with you when you die.

We have a tendency to worship what God created, rather than Him, the Creator.

Truth is: you will die. So will I. What matters? Where are you going to go when you die? Heaven or hell? Why does this matter? Because it will happen to everyone. We are here on this earth for 80 years (maybe), and we're dead forever. For eternity. You will spend your eternity in one place or the other.

Truth is: God loves you so much that He too, was willing to experience death. Death of the most brutal kind. When Jesus died on the cross, it wasn't just to die for our sins, but because of our sin. My sin held Him there. He loves you so much, that He was willing to die, to be the perfect sacrifice, so that you and I could spend an eternity with Him. Some people think I "take God too seriously." But in reality, He took me pretty seriously when He became human and died on a cross for my sins.

His death has affected me more than anything. Has it affected you? I pray it has. It really should. Do you believe that God died on a cross for you out of love? If you do, has it made any impact on your life? It really should.

Why do I think about this a lot? Because my dad died. A close friend of mine put experiencing death like this (and it might be a tad inappropriate, but bear with me): losing someone close to you is like losing your virginity. If you've never lost someone so close, you are not tainted. But once you do, you will never be able to not know what it's like. There's no going back. I am forever tainted by the death of my father. No matter how hard I scrub, how hard I wash, the stain will not come out. I will forever know what it's like to lose someone, and I will NEVER forget.

Should death affect someone like this?
My conclusion: yes.
"Why, Alex?" You're probably asking.

If evolution is real, shouldn't we have gained this innate knowledge, at some point, that death really is just a part of life? If evolution were real, death wouldn't be a big deal. We should just know that it happens and that's that.

But that's not it. When someone dies, we weep, we mourn, and we process. We have an understanding that death is not right. Death is not how it's supposed to be. Which is true. Death was not a part of the picture, until Adam and Eve chose to sin. Death is a result of sin.

"By the sweat of your face you shall eat bread, till you return to the ground, for out of it you were taken; for you are dust, and to dust you shall return." Genesis 3:19

That's why we're so affected by death. Because it's not right. There's something wrong with it.

I'm no philosopher or a great thinker. But this is something I think about a lot.

Like I said. Every. Day.

Plenty of Grace

Preface: I wrote this whole thing while watching a million episodes of Duck Dynasty and thought in a southern accent the whole time. Keep that in mind while you're reading.

1. Self pity.
2. Anger.
3. Anxiety.
4. Doubt.
5. Jealously.

These are the five things I struggle with the most. They may or may not be in that particular order.

There's a very fine line between recognizing the trial(s) God is walking you through and playing a victim. No doubt, I've fallen into self pity; I've crossed that line. It's so easy to justify feeling sorry for myself. So, I lost my dad. I don't want to devalue this trial. Like I've said before: because of this, I've never walked with the Lord this intimately or understood His love greater. It's a hard thing. So many changes have come from this. Changes I didn't ask for. Changes beyond my control. And now, I get the opportunity to trust the Lord to use my dad's death and these crappy changes for really great things. I apologize that I've given into self pity. It's not a pretty thing.

I do not handle change gracefully. Good thing God has plenty of grace.

Anger has been a struggle of mine for a long time. Long before my dad died. Last night at church, Pastor Dan shared something about anger: people either freak out or leak out. And I'm a leaker. I will become bitter.

Thankfully, a woman I greatly admire from Walnut Creek shared this doozy with me: "When my soul was embittered, when I was pricked in heart, I was brutish and ignorant; I was like a beast toward you. Nevertheless, I am continually with you; you hold my right hand." (Psalm 73:21-23) This is a great example of taking your anger to our Heavenly Father. We can be "beasts" toward him and He is continually with us. God doesn't mind our anger. I would even venture to say He loves and desires to hear from His children, to hear how we're feeling.

You better believe I've taken my anger to the Lord and was a "beast" toward Him. He's not scared of it. He's not taken aback and surprised by my reactions. At the same time, I'm not perfect. Oh boy, would I love to tell you I've only ever gone before the Lord with my anger. The people I'm closest to can attest to me showing my anger toward them. Again, I'm not perfect. There is sanctification (the process of being made holy), which is a life-long thing. Definitely not over night (or a few months).

Anxiety is something I'm no stranger to. I used to have this thing about washing my hands twice because I couldn't accept that once was enough. Maybe that's obsessive compulsive. But that can be a part of an anxiety disorder (which I used to have). When I became a Christian, that anxiety went away. However, lately I've been having trouble accepting that washing my hands once is enough. I wash them two times, every time now. My hands are very dry.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God." Philippians 4:6 The cure for anxiety? Prayer. This is something that God is growing me in. And as I grow in my prayer life, I can rest assured that God will calm my restless heart.

I really wanted to be that woman who went through a trial and never doubted the goodness of the Lord. "Boy, that Alex, she went through something difficult, and she never wavered in her faith." This has not been the case. Why would God allow this to happen? A good God. Because He really does work all things together for good (Romans 8:28). The good things may not happen right away. Good things have happened as a result of this. I know my aunt and uncle far better than I did before, and I feel like we have a better relationship. I've grown up.

"Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us." Romans 5:3-5

For a while, I would get irritated if someone with a dad would talk to me. Which is everyone. When they would talk, all I could think of was this: "Why do you get to keep your dad?" I remember a month or two ago listening to a sermon in my car. Good old Mark Darling was talking about his father-in-law dying at the age of 67. My first thought: "Why the heck did you have 14 years longer with him than I did?! My dad died at 53!"

Then, I'm kindly reminded by God of what I do have. I have a wonderful mother, who is stronger than she knows and is always there for me. I have a crazy loving church family that is such an honor to be a part of. I have a roof over my head and food for every meal.

More than that, I have a relationship with Jesus Christ, which makes me eternally rich. This doesn't mean my life is a walk in the park (obviously). But I can rest assured that when I die, I will go to Heaven. This isn't because of the amazing things I do. It's not because I go to church, pray, read the Bible, etc. It's because of the amazing thing God did when He sent His only Son to live a perfect, sinless life and die a brutal death on the cross. He took my sins (and yours) upon His shoulders. Because I've sinned, I should have a fine to pay. But Jesus stepped in and paid that fine. "For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord," (Romans 6:23). A gift. When someone hands you a gift, for it to be yours, what do you need to do? Accept it. Have you accepted Jesus' gift of salvation? "because, if you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. For with the heart one believes and is justified, and with the mouth one confesses and is saved," (Romans 10:9-10). If you were to die tonight, how certain are you that you'd go to Heaven and why? Something to think about. Questions? Ask me.

Really?

You all know what it's like to miss someone, right?
So what do you do?
You call/text/email/snail mail them. "Hey, friend, I miss you!" Really, I just did it to a friend today. Or, for instance, my friend Eliska lives in Iowa City and I can call her up and tell her that I was thinking about her.

I miss my dad. And it hurts, physically hurts, that I can't tell him that. I can't just call him and say, "Hey dad, I miss you!"

I want nothing more than to tell him I miss him. That I think about him every day. I hate that I can't tell my dad what I've been through the last few months. I hate that I get the urge to call him after I get off work, and I'm reminded, yet again, that my dad is no longer here. I'm reminded every day that I no longer have a father.

It breaks my heart. Physically hurts.

My friends and I are going through life changes. We're in that stage now. Most of the changes consist of grand ceremonies proclaiming love till death to they part. Some are past that and are now having a baby (or three).

I hate that my "life change" is nothing sweet. It's not being united in marriage with a man who loves me. Instead, it's losing the man who's loved me my entire life. It's knowing that someday (if ever), I get married, my dad will not be walking me down the aisle. My dad will never give a man his approval for marrying me.

(I hope this doesn't sound like a pity party. In all honesty, this is something I think about every day. Every. Single. Day.)

So why? Why did God find this an opportune time for my dad to die?
Here it is. Probably my one big, amazing thought I'll share with you:

I HAVE NO IDEA.

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts." Isaiah 55:8

Really, God? That's the best you can come up with? This is what I have to trust? That your ways and thoughts are higher than mine? Hmm. If I'm really honest, that doesn't cut it. God thought it was a good idea for my dad to die at this time, and now I have to trust Him? Now I have to believe that "He works all things together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purposes,"?  (Romans 8:28)

This is part of the daily struggle. Trust. Will I trust God to work things together for good? Will I trust that He's still a good Father? That is the day-by-day, hour-by-hour decision.

“Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened. Or which one of you, if his son asks him for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a serpent?  If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask him!" Matthew 7:7-11

So, hey, God. You give good things, right? Let's see the good that will come of this. I'm waiting in expectation for you to follow through on your promise.

PS: Do you have a dad? Call him and tell him you love him. One day, it's the only thing you'll want to do.