Welcome to the busiest month of my life. I'm taking a bit of time during Mission to the City (a 5 day mission trip to Des Moines Walnut Creek Downtown does every May) to write this post.
You know that feeling when it seems like a rug has been pulled out from under you? That's how I've felt the past week. When that happens, your footing is lost, there's a sense of being unbalanced, and hoping the things around you don't fall over, as well.
For me, that rug was the shock that came after losing my dad. And then this last week, that shock suddenly went away. I've learned that the shock (for me) was protection. It protected me from emotions I would eventually have to face. It gave me a place to sweep emotions I wasn't ready to process. I thought, at some point, together, God and I would roll up that rug and we would slowly deal with everything that was underneath.
But, alas, this was not the case. I guess God thought the best way to handle this was to just yank the rug out from underneath me. What happened? I lost my footing. Things started to fall over. I was left with a bunch of emotions and now I have to pick up those things that fell over. Including myself.
I'm left with an overwhelming amount of sadness, anger, bitterness, and jealousy. And I have to face it all. I have to sit down and sort through everything. When it comes to my thoughts and emotions, I need to compartmentalize.
This is when it's important for me to remember the goodness of that week my dad died.
"I will remember the deeds of the Lord; yes, I will remember your wonders of old. I will ponder all your work, and meditate on your mighty deeds. Your way, O God, is holy. What god is great like our God? You are the God who works wonders; you have made known your might among the peoples. You with your arm redeemed your people, the children of Jacob and Joseph."
-Psalm 77:11-15
Monday, May 27, 2013
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
A Reason to Sing
Tomorrow will be the 5 month mark.
There are so many things I still struggle with.
Memories of that whole week, more particularly, the day my dad died, take over my mind, unannounced and uninvited. They seep inside like they own me. It is beyond me to take these thoughts captive. But, are these thoughts God wants me to control? Is there a reason God wants me to remember these things every day for 5 months?
Every day for 5 months, I have flashbacks, unwanted flashbacks. The phone call from my mom on Monday December 3rd at 5:32 am. That Wednesday, standing in the middle of the Mercy Hospital parking lot at 6am crying and my mom hugging me, "you're too young to go through this." Saturday night, going a bit more insane, waiting for the inevitable. Sunday morning, December 9th, walking into his room with my mom, aunt, uncle, and Kristen, to see my dad for the last time.
When the pieces seem too shattered
to gather off the floor
and all that seems to matter
is I can't feel You anymore
is I can't feel You anymore
I need a reason to sing
I need a reason to sing
I need to know that You're still holding
the whole world in Your hands
and I need a reason to sing
This may sound weird. And don't think I'm creepy. But there's something about that week that I miss. It was the last week of his life, and I got to spend the entire time holding his hand. I spent the whole week with my mom, my aunt and uncle, and I experienced the love of God and His church in ways that I never could have imagined.
I miss my dad. I've been through a whole lot these last 5 months, and I want to tell him about it. I want to share with him everything that has happened. But I can't.
Someday, though, I'll see him again. "Then we who are alive, who are left, will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air, so we will always be with the Lord." 1 Thessalonians 4:17
My dad knew Jesus as his Savior. That's the only way I know for certain I will see him again.
It's been a rough, beautiful road, these last 5 months. I've never had to trust the Lord more that He knows what He's doing. I sure don't know what I'm doing or how to handle life. Great is His faithfulness! He's got this.
Will there be a victory?
Will You sing it over me now?
Your peace is a melody
Will You sing it over me now?
'Cause I need a reason to sing
I need a reason to sing
I need to know that You're still holding
the whole world in Your hands
and that is a reason to sing
(Reason to Sing::All Sons and Daughters)
There are so many things I still struggle with.
Memories of that whole week, more particularly, the day my dad died, take over my mind, unannounced and uninvited. They seep inside like they own me. It is beyond me to take these thoughts captive. But, are these thoughts God wants me to control? Is there a reason God wants me to remember these things every day for 5 months?
Every day for 5 months, I have flashbacks, unwanted flashbacks. The phone call from my mom on Monday December 3rd at 5:32 am. That Wednesday, standing in the middle of the Mercy Hospital parking lot at 6am crying and my mom hugging me, "you're too young to go through this." Saturday night, going a bit more insane, waiting for the inevitable. Sunday morning, December 9th, walking into his room with my mom, aunt, uncle, and Kristen, to see my dad for the last time.
When the pieces seem too shattered
to gather off the floor
and all that seems to matter
is I can't feel You anymore
is I can't feel You anymore
I need a reason to sing
I need a reason to sing
I need to know that You're still holding
the whole world in Your hands
and I need a reason to sing
This may sound weird. And don't think I'm creepy. But there's something about that week that I miss. It was the last week of his life, and I got to spend the entire time holding his hand. I spent the whole week with my mom, my aunt and uncle, and I experienced the love of God and His church in ways that I never could have imagined.
I miss my dad. I've been through a whole lot these last 5 months, and I want to tell him about it. I want to share with him everything that has happened. But I can't.
Someday, though, I'll see him again. "Then we who are alive, who are left, will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air, so we will always be with the Lord." 1 Thessalonians 4:17
My dad knew Jesus as his Savior. That's the only way I know for certain I will see him again.
It's been a rough, beautiful road, these last 5 months. I've never had to trust the Lord more that He knows what He's doing. I sure don't know what I'm doing or how to handle life. Great is His faithfulness! He's got this.
Will there be a victory?
Will You sing it over me now?
Your peace is a melody
Will You sing it over me now?
'Cause I need a reason to sing
I need a reason to sing
I need to know that You're still holding
the whole world in Your hands
and that is a reason to sing
(Reason to Sing::All Sons and Daughters)
Wednesday, May 1, 2013
the most morbid post i'll ever write (hopefully)
I'm sure I have many faithful readers, so I apologize to those who have been sitting on the edge of their seat, waiting with great anticipation for a new blog. Just kidding. Calm down.
Between two jobs, moving from my apartment to my mom's house, and being the social butterfly that I am, finding time to blog hasn't been too high on my priority list lately. But I've been thinking about it for about a week. So, that should count for something (even though it really doesn't).
Do you know what I think about every day? Every. Single. Day?
Death.
Yep. In a hundred years, you, reading this blog post, you're going to be dead.
Morbid? Yes. Sorry.
True? Absolutely.
It's inevitable. There's no getting out of it.
So what does this life matter? What's the point?
To be happy and comfortable? That's dumb. That gives no purpose to this earth. Because really, how many people are always happy and comfortable?
Is your purpose on this earth to start a wonderful family with the man/woman of your dreams? Oh, that's a lovely thing, a beautiful thing, actually. But that family you have, they're going to die, too.
Is our purpose to worship music. That's what I hear a lot. I hear a lot about the importance of music and people really do worship it, sadly. Don't get me wrong, music is a wonderful thing! I highly enjoy it. God created it. But is that your purpose in life? To create/listen to/know great music? That's weird. You won't take that with you when you die.
We have a tendency to worship what God created, rather than Him, the Creator.
Truth is: you will die. So will I. What matters? Where are you going to go when you die? Heaven or hell? Why does this matter? Because it will happen to everyone. We are here on this earth for 80 years (maybe), and we're dead forever. For eternity. You will spend your eternity in one place or the other.
Truth is: God loves you so much that He too, was willing to experience death. Death of the most brutal kind. When Jesus died on the cross, it wasn't just to die for our sins, but because of our sin. My sin held Him there. He loves you so much, that He was willing to die, to be the perfect sacrifice, so that you and I could spend an eternity with Him. Some people think I "take God too seriously." But in reality, He took me pretty seriously when He became human and died on a cross for my sins.
His death has affected me more than anything. Has it affected you? I pray it has. It really should. Do you believe that God died on a cross for you out of love? If you do, has it made any impact on your life? It really should.
Why do I think about this a lot? Because my dad died. A close friend of mine put experiencing death like this (and it might be a tad inappropriate, but bear with me): losing someone close to you is like losing your virginity. If you've never lost someone so close, you are not tainted. But once you do, you will never be able to not know what it's like. There's no going back. I am forever tainted by the death of my father. No matter how hard I scrub, how hard I wash, the stain will not come out. I will forever know what it's like to lose someone, and I will NEVER forget.
Should death affect someone like this?
My conclusion: yes.
"Why, Alex?" You're probably asking.
If evolution is real, shouldn't we have gained this innate knowledge, at some point, that death really is just a part of life? If evolution were real, death wouldn't be a big deal. We should just know that it happens and that's that.
But that's not it. When someone dies, we weep, we mourn, and we process. We have an understanding that death is not right. Death is not how it's supposed to be. Which is true. Death was not a part of the picture, until Adam and Eve chose to sin. Death is a result of sin.
"By the sweat of your face you shall eat bread, till you return to the ground, for out of it you were taken; for you are dust, and to dust you shall return." Genesis 3:19
That's why we're so affected by death. Because it's not right. There's something wrong with it.
I'm no philosopher or a great thinker. But this is something I think about a lot.
Like I said. Every. Day.
Between two jobs, moving from my apartment to my mom's house, and being the social butterfly that I am, finding time to blog hasn't been too high on my priority list lately. But I've been thinking about it for about a week. So, that should count for something (even though it really doesn't).
Do you know what I think about every day? Every. Single. Day?
Death.
Yep. In a hundred years, you, reading this blog post, you're going to be dead.
Morbid? Yes. Sorry.
True? Absolutely.
It's inevitable. There's no getting out of it.
So what does this life matter? What's the point?
To be happy and comfortable? That's dumb. That gives no purpose to this earth. Because really, how many people are always happy and comfortable?
Is your purpose on this earth to start a wonderful family with the man/woman of your dreams? Oh, that's a lovely thing, a beautiful thing, actually. But that family you have, they're going to die, too.
Is our purpose to worship music. That's what I hear a lot. I hear a lot about the importance of music and people really do worship it, sadly. Don't get me wrong, music is a wonderful thing! I highly enjoy it. God created it. But is that your purpose in life? To create/listen to/know great music? That's weird. You won't take that with you when you die.
We have a tendency to worship what God created, rather than Him, the Creator.
Truth is: you will die. So will I. What matters? Where are you going to go when you die? Heaven or hell? Why does this matter? Because it will happen to everyone. We are here on this earth for 80 years (maybe), and we're dead forever. For eternity. You will spend your eternity in one place or the other.
Truth is: God loves you so much that He too, was willing to experience death. Death of the most brutal kind. When Jesus died on the cross, it wasn't just to die for our sins, but because of our sin. My sin held Him there. He loves you so much, that He was willing to die, to be the perfect sacrifice, so that you and I could spend an eternity with Him. Some people think I "take God too seriously." But in reality, He took me pretty seriously when He became human and died on a cross for my sins.
His death has affected me more than anything. Has it affected you? I pray it has. It really should. Do you believe that God died on a cross for you out of love? If you do, has it made any impact on your life? It really should.
Why do I think about this a lot? Because my dad died. A close friend of mine put experiencing death like this (and it might be a tad inappropriate, but bear with me): losing someone close to you is like losing your virginity. If you've never lost someone so close, you are not tainted. But once you do, you will never be able to not know what it's like. There's no going back. I am forever tainted by the death of my father. No matter how hard I scrub, how hard I wash, the stain will not come out. I will forever know what it's like to lose someone, and I will NEVER forget.
Should death affect someone like this?
My conclusion: yes.
"Why, Alex?" You're probably asking.
If evolution is real, shouldn't we have gained this innate knowledge, at some point, that death really is just a part of life? If evolution were real, death wouldn't be a big deal. We should just know that it happens and that's that.
But that's not it. When someone dies, we weep, we mourn, and we process. We have an understanding that death is not right. Death is not how it's supposed to be. Which is true. Death was not a part of the picture, until Adam and Eve chose to sin. Death is a result of sin.
"By the sweat of your face you shall eat bread, till you return to the ground, for out of it you were taken; for you are dust, and to dust you shall return." Genesis 3:19
That's why we're so affected by death. Because it's not right. There's something wrong with it.
I'm no philosopher or a great thinker. But this is something I think about a lot.
Like I said. Every. Day.
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