A Reason to Sing

Tomorrow will be the 5 month mark.
There are so many things I still struggle with.

Memories of that whole week, more particularly, the day my dad died, take over my mind, unannounced and uninvited. They seep inside like they own me. It is beyond me to take these thoughts captive. But, are these thoughts God wants me to control? Is there a reason God wants me to remember these things every day for 5 months?

Every day for 5 months, I have flashbacks, unwanted flashbacks. The phone call from my mom on Monday December 3rd at 5:32 am. That Wednesday, standing in the middle of the Mercy Hospital parking lot at 6am crying and my mom hugging me, "you're too young to go through this." Saturday night, going a bit more insane, waiting for the inevitable. Sunday morning, December 9th, walking into his room with my mom, aunt, uncle, and Kristen, to see my dad for the last time.

When the pieces seem too shattered
to gather off the floor
and all that seems to matter
is I can't feel You anymore
is I can't feel You anymore

I need a reason to sing
I need a reason to sing
I need to know that You're still holding
the whole world in Your hands
and I need a reason to sing

This may sound weird. And don't think I'm creepy. But there's something about that week that I miss. It was the last week of his life, and I got to spend the entire time holding his hand. I spent the whole week with my mom, my aunt and uncle, and I experienced the love of God and His church in ways that I never could have imagined.

I miss my dad. I've been through a whole lot these last 5 months, and I want to tell him about it. I want to share with him everything that has happened. But I can't.

Someday, though, I'll see him again. "Then we who are alive, who are left, will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air, so we will always be with the Lord." 1 Thessalonians 4:17

My dad knew Jesus as his Savior. That's the only way I know for certain I will see him again.

It's been a rough, beautiful road, these last 5 months. I've never had to trust the Lord more that He knows what He's doing. I sure don't know what I'm doing or how to handle life. Great is His faithfulness! He's got this.

Will there be a victory?
Will You sing it over me now?
Your peace is a melody
Will You sing it over me now?

'Cause I need a reason to sing
I need a reason to sing
I need to know that You're still holding
the whole world in Your hands
and that is a reason to sing
(Reason to Sing::All Sons and Daughters)